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Kanal : Itching for Eestimaa



clams on the half shell and roller skates

Head aega! This is the all-purpose Estonian goodbye. It is more sincere than the forced nägemist which implies that you might see the person again, and though you most likely will, there is the possibility that you won't. #10:30 27.04.2017 kanalilt Itching for Eestimaa


when the heart corrects itself

All of life is a process of tuning in, and a process of making decisions. I can find the very places in my old journals where certain decisions were made. These are silent, internal decisions. I wonder sometimes to what extent the Estonians around me have mastered these kinds of facts. #10:02 21.04.2017 kanalilt Itching for Eestimaa


the one, the one

As the year closes, I think of its unseemly demises. With simple time, it carried away so much. Memories, people. I'll never forget that peculiar feeling I had walking along the train tracks in Tartu on the day it was over. Abielu katki. #11:45 15.04.2017 kanalilt Itching for Eestimaa


when the heart goes silent

A morning where it's hard to get out of bed. I used to have these long ago, before and after. After school, too I would come home and just try to sleep through the rest of the evening. And then the morning too. I felt myself in free fall without any catch. #05:58 11.04.2017 kanalilt Itching for Eestimaa


where's your seal?

N. needs a man with a hammer, but M. is a höövel sort of man. This was related to me recently by an estranged yet amiable couple, one that cooperates at all levels, and yet whose personal life is that of sister-brother, not man-and-woman. I had to look up höövel. It's a carpenter's plane. M. would prefer to slowly and easily work his wood into shape, but N. wants it all done, now. #05:41 02.04.2017 kanalilt Itching for Eestimaa


gold paint splashes of sun

Sunset is the time I usually arrive back home to V-town, I can see it riding up beyond the horizon as I come up past Vana-Võidu, Jaan Tõnisson's birthplace, etc. , those shadowy pillars in the smoky dusk, the outline of an ancient city. #12:56 27.03.2017 kanalilt Itching for Eestimaa


you used to all come here

You used to all come here for the geopolitical analyses, okay. #06:38 22.03.2017 kanalilt Itching for Eestimaa


morsa tussu

Back here, contemplating the human condition. Some days are wondrous, bright, sun-backed, a white light on the castle ruins, other days a bit more blue and gray. Ain't so easy to walk into a cafe and spit out a mouthful of Estonian after a few weeks back in the US. All of those vowels. #13:24 06.03.2017 kanalilt Itching for Eestimaa


the pain of the pain

It does happen quite often that I feel disliked for being a foreigner. Most people are friendly, even too friendly. But there are those who just do not like me. It's the small things, I think. The way people look at me, the way I am spoken to. #17:26 30.01.2017 kanalilt Itching for Eestimaa


through green house glass

It wasn't too long ago that the president arrived to V-town with her entourage. Some plain clothed security guards, a police escort. From the lip of the sewer across from Rohelise Maja I awaited her entry. This is my favorite sewer in Viljandi because of its most ungodly awful rot smell. #11:59 24.01.2017 kanalilt Itching for Eestimaa


from here on out, etc.

Some ocean of big vulnerability these days. The whole Atlantic in my chest. New beginnings, new something. People's dissatisfaction rising. Rising within themselves, with their world. It's always been that way. Nothing's ever been satisfying. Tinkering with Eastern Philosophies. #10:41 19.01.2017 kanalilt Itching for Eestimaa


the ireland of russia

I confess my ignorance of 20th century British political history. #08:32 18.01.2017 kanalilt Itching for Eestimaa


the darkest days

It didn't occur to me that light deprivation might be the cause of the immense maelstrom of sadness that has left me sprawled across a couch poking at various old wounds for days on end until I overdid it on the kodujuust and noticed an immediate light and easy boost in the serotonin levels. #10:46 21.12.2016 kanalilt Itching for Eestimaa


big waters

I wrote so much about my driving mishap three years ago, but what years have passed. The past three years have been nothing but life changing. It wasn't even every year, or month, but every week, every day of every week, that turned my life upside down. #18:03 11.12.2016 kanalilt Itching for Eestimaa


this remote, forested place

I do wonder sometimes about the flow of Estonian foreign policy, and the idea of the independent state in general. The idea of Estonia, going back to 1918, was to separate the country from the "rotten foundations" of the Russian Empire. #11:37 30.11.2016 kanalilt Itching for Eestimaa


the logic of the world suspended

Of all the cultural issues I have had to struggle with in this country, the greatest obstacle has been perhaps matriarchy. So many times, I have felt the logic of the world suspended and a heavy harness of blurry-minded intuitive decisions hoisted upon me. #17:54 28.11.2016 kanalilt Itching for Eestimaa


the ethical state

An ethical state does not play with its people. A self-confident people requires an ethical state. An ethical state supports choices made by Estonians. A self-confident Estonian makes themselves happy. #10:19 25.11.2016 kanalilt Itching for Eestimaa