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Kanal : Itching for Eestimaa

 

27.04.2017

clams on the half shell and roller skates

Head aega! This is the all-purpose Estonian goodbye. It is more sincere than the forced nägemist which implies that you might see the person again, and though you most likely will, there is the possibility that you won't. #10:30 27.04.2017 kanalilt Itching for Eestimaa

21.04.2017

when the heart corrects itself

All of life is a process of tuning in, and a process of making decisions. I can find the very places in my old journals where certain decisions were made. These are silent, internal decisions. I wonder sometimes to what extent the Estonians around me have mastered these kinds of facts. #10:02 21.04.2017 kanalilt Itching for Eestimaa

15.04.2017

the one, the one

As the year closes, I think of its unseemly demises. With simple time, it carried away so much. Memories, people. I'll never forget that peculiar feeling I had walking along the train tracks in Tartu on the day it was over. Abielu katki. #11:45 15.04.2017 kanalilt Itching for Eestimaa

11.04.2017

when the heart goes silent

A morning where it's hard to get out of bed. I used to have these long ago, before and after. After school, too I would come home and just try to sleep through the rest of the evening. And then the morning too. I felt myself in free fall without any catch. #05:58 11.04.2017 kanalilt Itching for Eestimaa

02.04.2017

where's your seal?

N. needs a man with a hammer, but M. is a höövel sort of man. This was related to me recently by an estranged yet amiable couple, one that cooperates at all levels, and yet whose personal life is that of sister-brother, not man-and-woman. I had to look up höövel. It's a carpenter's plane. M. would prefer to slowly and easily work his wood into shape, but N. wants it all done, now. #05:41 02.04.2017 kanalilt Itching for Eestimaa

27.03.2017

gold paint splashes of sun

Sunset is the time I usually arrive back home to V-town, I can see it riding up beyond the horizon as I come up past Vana-Võidu, Jaan Tõnisson's birthplace, etc. , those shadowy pillars in the smoky dusk, the outline of an ancient city. #12:56 27.03.2017 kanalilt Itching for Eestimaa

22.03.2017

you used to all come here

You used to all come here for the geopolitical analyses, okay. #06:38 22.03.2017 kanalilt Itching for Eestimaa

06.03.2017

morsa tussu

Back here, contemplating the human condition. Some days are wondrous, bright, sun-backed, a white light on the castle ruins, other days a bit more blue and gray. Ain't so easy to walk into a cafe and spit out a mouthful of Estonian after a few weeks back in the US. All of those vowels. #13:24 06.03.2017 kanalilt Itching for Eestimaa

30.01.2017

the pain of the pain

It does happen quite often that I feel disliked for being a foreigner. Most people are friendly, even too friendly. But there are those who just do not like me. It's the small things, I think. The way people look at me, the way I am spoken to. #17:26 30.01.2017 kanalilt Itching for Eestimaa

24.01.2017

through green house glass

It wasn't too long ago that the president arrived to V-town with her entourage. Some plain clothed security guards, a police escort. From the lip of the sewer across from Rohelise Maja I awaited her entry. This is my favorite sewer in Viljandi because of its most ungodly awful rot smell. #11:59 24.01.2017 kanalilt Itching for Eestimaa

19.01.2017

from here on out, etc.

Some ocean of big vulnerability these days. The whole Atlantic in my chest. New beginnings, new something. People's dissatisfaction rising. Rising within themselves, with their world. It's always been that way. Nothing's ever been satisfying. Tinkering with Eastern Philosophies. #10:41 19.01.2017 kanalilt Itching for Eestimaa

18.01.2017

the ireland of russia

I confess my ignorance of 20th century British political history. #08:32 18.01.2017 kanalilt Itching for Eestimaa

21.12.2016

the darkest days

It didn't occur to me that light deprivation might be the cause of the immense maelstrom of sadness that has left me sprawled across a couch poking at various old wounds for days on end until I overdid it on the kodujuust and noticed an immediate light and easy boost in the serotonin levels. #10:46 21.12.2016 kanalilt Itching for Eestimaa

11.12.2016

big waters

I wrote so much about my driving mishap three years ago, but what years have passed. The past three years have been nothing but life changing. It wasn't even every year, or month, but every week, every day of every week, that turned my life upside down. #18:03 11.12.2016 kanalilt Itching for Eestimaa

30.11.2016

this remote, forested place

I do wonder sometimes about the flow of Estonian foreign policy, and the idea of the independent state in general. The idea of Estonia, going back to 1918, was to separate the country from the "rotten foundations" of the Russian Empire. #11:37 30.11.2016 kanalilt Itching for Eestimaa

28.11.2016

the logic of the world suspended

Of all the cultural issues I have had to struggle with in this country, the greatest obstacle has been perhaps matriarchy. So many times, I have felt the logic of the world suspended and a heavy harness of blurry-minded intuitive decisions hoisted upon me. #17:54 28.11.2016 kanalilt Itching for Eestimaa

25.11.2016

the ethical state

An ethical state does not play with its people. A self-confident people requires an ethical state. An ethical state supports choices made by Estonians. A self-confident Estonian makes themselves happy. #10:19 25.11.2016 kanalilt Itching for Eestimaa

17.11.2016

kennan from the grave

Came across this interesting old interview with George Kennan, then 94 years old, from August 1999. Here is what America's premier diplomat and architect of containment had to say about Baltic-Russian relations an an interview with Richard Ullman. #10:51 17.11.2016 kanalilt Itching for Eestimaa

14.11.2016

counting coup or how it went down

Well here we are. Welcome to the cold, cynical new era. The Kremlin successfully influenced the outcome of the American presidential election in its favor. Went down a bit like this: Kremlin-backed Wikileaks divulged the information damaging the non-Kremlin candidate (Hillary Rodham Clinton). #15:43 14.11.2016 kanalilt Itching for Eestimaa

05.11.2016

with f. scott at mandel

After going cold turkey for a while on social media I cannot go back the same way. What's more, all of the merry images and self promotion that occur there seem incredibly wasteful and vain. I can't take a person seriously anymore, he or she who prostitutes and flaunts his or her own image. #11:10 05.11.2016 kanalilt Itching for Eestimaa

 

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